Yawn.

Nothing interesting from me today.

You and I went to all the same public schools.  Your older sister was one of my coaches in high school.  Who may or may not have intercepted a note that I'd written to a boy which probably would have caused me great heartache and embarrassment.  Probably would have.  Maybe not her most honest moment, but well-intended.

And notice that none of these details are actually about today's deletion herself....

Easy Peasey.

You've got nearly 1000 friends (976).  You won't miss me one bit.  And I won't miss reading about soccer, probably the lowest sport on my imaginary totem-pole of competitive professional sports.  My favorite thing about soccer is watching soccer players "juggle" the ball.  But that's about as competitive as watching a circle of hippies with a hacky-sak.  And about as related to the actual game as the Harlem Globetrotters are to basketball.

Oooh, and soccer-player calves.  Those are good, too.  I've yet to see a photo of soccer-calves on your page.  Probably because it'd be frowned on, seeing as how you're a high school coach and all....

Nice.

You are nice.  Nice, nice, nice.  You've always been nice.  I think. 

You smile a lot.  It makes you look nice.  I've never been angry with you.  Must be you're nice.  You never complain.  Probably because you're so nice.  I don't have a single bad thing to say about you.  'Cause you're (wait for it...) NICE!

And that's all I know or remember about you.  I haven't even been able to glean any real information about you from your page, so I don't know who the baby in your pictures is.  But I betcha he's nice!

A rule I've been holding to as it has gotten harder to eliminate people is to ask the question: "Would I be able to crash on this person's couch?"  And with you, the answer would indubitably be "Yes!"  However, I would never be comfortable enough to consider asking, considering our lack of any sort of relationship.  Which I guess really makes the answer a no....

So, without further ado -- it's been nice!

Dicks!

Nope, I'm not calling names. 

Today's elimination is another of the "nevers," who beyond connecting accounts with, I've never had online interaction with.  Once upon a time I worked with you, but we weren't really pals.  I was a bartender.  You liked to drink.  That was the primary reason for our acquaintance.  That, and you were the girlfriend of the guy who made the beer.

You liked to draw pictures of dicks.  On everything!  They weren't really artistic, just a gross mushroomy cock-and-balls with stubbly little pubes.  You even drew them on the framed photo we were gifting our boss for his 40th birthday.  Totally classy, totally crazy, and the thing that I'll remember you for forever.  Isn't that a wonderful legacy???

So, cheers to you, dick-drawer!  

 /=======D  ~~~
O0

Sunday Softies

We met through a friend, but lived on the opposite ends of the world, and then all of your other friends had a falling out with this friend, and really, I don't even hang out with this girl at all anymore... so we just never will be in the same place at the same time, unless it's completely random chance.

That said, I frickin' LOVE you.  You are so pure and sweet.  Your posts are so full of hope, without being cliched and hallmark-y.  You are one of the few people who can pull of "this is what I'm hoping to do/ am doing right this minute/ am going to do" without sounding like a self-important braggart.  You're proud of what you've accomplished, happy with what you have, and genuinely wish for the best for others.

Best of all, you have a way of saying things that is so direct and so simple that it feels absolutely raw, as if you're somehow able to channel your emotions into pixels.  I felt it when you finally got the teaching position you'd been pining for, when your stepmother died, and when your new baby was born.  It's magic.

I hope to continue to read your posts, and that maybe I'll find a little of that magic in my own someday.

Forgetbook

You've all but abandoned your account.

Unlike a lot of other people, I actually did bump into you the last time I visited my college town.  We said "hey," and then parted ways.

Also, it sketches me out to let you have any access to information about my kids.  You always had housemates that were single moms with kids, as well as a friend who was single with a kid... yet you weren't interested in a relationship with these women.  Let's just say I found it odd, and leave it at that.

And acknowledge that if I don't want you to see my pictures, or read my posts, what's the point?

I Love Music!

No, really.  It's one of my favorite things in the whole wide world.  I appreciate new music, and I love to hear old throwbacks that make me nostalgic for my youth, and I love to hear music that I'd forgotten how much I loved.

Genre is unimportant.  Great music is great music, regardless of whether it wears a cowboy hat, a trucker cap, an overturned flower pot, or a stingy-brim fedora (with requisite black-framed eyeglasses).

But please, I know how YouTube works.  Usually when you visit to watch a video, they'll follow it up by suggesting other songs/videos by the same artist, other versions of the same song, or similar artists playing music in the same genre.  Not once have I EVER seen a video I loved, and then sat helplessly with my arms dangling, exclaiming, "Well, shoooot... if only there were more music like that!" And then picked the lint out of my bellybutton, watching your newsfeed and praying for more.

So.  It's unnecessary for you to post thirteen consecutive videos of John Prine, or Tom Waits, or Lady Gaga.  Pick your favorite song, the one that really gets you pumped, the one that you'd have played at your funeral.  Hell, if you're trying to illustrate the breadth of your favorite artist's talent, post two -- their gangster rap accompanied by mandolin AND their love ballad featuring the theramin.  If I dig it, I'll follow up with my own research into more.

But for fricks sake, thirteen?!?!?  I don't even want to click your damn link.

And it'd be forgivable if you interspersed these with actual news and updates created by your own brain, but you don't.  It's irritating.  So for the sake of saving my time, I have to say goodbye. 

(To BOTH guilty Birds -- with one Rolling Stone.)


***Correction:  all THREE of you, thanks #3 for reminding me by posting NINE videos WHILE I TYPED THIS!  Cripes....

Puff, puff... I'll pass.

Hey, guy.

That was a pretty well thought out argument about legalizing pot you made this morning.  Except that your whole premise was that Thomas Jefferson and the other founding fathers "smoked cannabis."  This was an interesting factoid and basis of debate -- in high school, when the rest of us discussed it.  You said this as if smoking weed would actually turn one into the caliber of person who would start a revolution and found a new country.

And not the kind of guy whose pictures feature a mish-mash of scrubby looking people sitting on a peeling-paint porch in an ever-dying factory/prison town in Upstate NY.  I'm pretty sure Monticello wasn't in a housing project.

I know that sounds like some pretty cold shit to say.  But you're the one who made the comparison, not me.  I acknowledge that sometimes people meet with some pretty hard luck, and need a hand up to overcome circumstances outside of their control.  But you're not one of them.  You're in your early thirties, white, and male. Pretty privileged in our society.

Nor do I disagree with your stance on legalization -- pot should be legal, taxable, and safe.  Hemp should be used as a renewable resource.  And yes, there are a number of legitimate medical uses for cannabis. 

The points you make would resonate (no pun intended) much more strongly coming out of the mouth of someone others can look up to.  Someone who has educated themselves more extensively than on "The History of Marijuana Use in U.S. Government, as told in Modern Oral Tradition."  I know, you want to believe that your circumstances exist because you're being oppressed by "The Man."  But you're not.  Really. 

You should go ahead, and keep on puffing.  But take personal responsibility for where it has taken you.  It'd be a whole lot cooler if you did.

Okay, Basefook, this is war. Epic elimination!

Hey, I'm behind on my project anyway.  So, I'm just going to drop a bomb on about 20 people today, both to get caught up, and potentially to unclutter this ridiculous new news feed.

1.  You'd be thrilled to be an extra on Jersey Shore.  Jersey Shore wouldn't have you.  Not visiting Long Beach ever, so, we're officially out of touch.  For good.  No, really.  For GOOD!

2.  We used to be housemates for a time in college.  We barely spoke then, in person, under the same roof.  Things really got awkward after you caught your boyfriend hooking up with our other (male) housemate.  Not that I have any problem with that.  But being that it's really the ONLY personal detail I know about your life, well... can't really call that a friendship.  But it was neat to find you, across the country, after all this time.
 
3.  We hung out in the library during study halls for one semester of one year of high school.  You were a jock, and acted like an ass, and it was funny.  Then.  Now it's just kind of sad that your sense of humor hasn't matured at all.  You're a serviceman, and I thank you for that!  Best luck to you, hope you don't get deployed again.

4.  Nice, funny guy.  One of "my" employees in Boulder, CO.  We both like Phish, and are from the northeast.  I haven't lived in CO for six years.  We haven't been in contact since.
 
5.  Elementary school art teacher.  "Hey, remember that time I made a pinch pot and put ears on it like a dog?  Yeah....  That was great...."  *crickets*

6.  Your mom babysat me in 3rd grade.  I got in trouble because one of the other kids taught me about french kissing (with dolls) and I passed that information on to one of the other kids.  I thought it was totally gross and fascinating.  Jeez, why'd the adults all freak out?  Watching Thundercats was fun.  And... that's about the extent of it.

7.  We're friends because you're sort-of-but-not-really related to my husband.  And really not related to me.  I don't even think that you and he are friends.  You still call things that you don't like "gay" and referred to your wife as "sugar tits" on your public anniversary message to her.  Maybe it's just an inside joke, but don't forget that not everybody is on the "inside."  Therefore it just makes you look like an asshole.

8.  Dude, you don't keep in touch with ANYBODY.  And last I heard, you were mad at me for not dating you before I started dating my husband.  (?!?)  That's just weird.  Maybe I'll see you again.  I'll just keep an eye out for the guy who looks just like David Cross. 

9.  My friend from high school's girlfriend.  I gave you money for a charity.  I don't feel like you "owe" me a pseudo-friendship because of it.  I was glad to do it.  You live a few hours away... maybe we'll actually meet in person sometime.  THEN we'll revisit this "friends" business!

10.  Rockin' out on the keys in E-town.  Maybe I'll see you there.  But probably not.

11.  Your extended family is "family" with my extended family.  You use this as a business/advertising platform, and have almost 3000 friends.  Neither of us will be missed.

12.  Your divorce/custody battle posts have brought soap-opera drama to my news feed.  But I don't really know anyone involved, and would hate to have near-strangers so knowledgeable of my personal life.  I hope it all works out for you.  Were we in the same grade?  I don't really remember....

13.  Dad of a friend of my long-deceased brother.  Friended you to try to get in touch with your son.  Avid Frontierville gamer.  Dead-end Basefook friend!

14.  Much older sister of someone I'd like to keep in touch with.  I assume I'll find out any of your important news from her, since you and I are not *really* friends....

15.  We live in the same town.  We have some mutual friends.  But we haven't even bumped into each other in many years.  And probably wouldn't recognize each other if we did.  Unless, of course, we recognized each others' children.  In fact, we probably wouldn't know each others names if we didn't see them in print here.  We'd just be "so-and-so's mom." 

16.  You lived down the street from my childhood home.  And... that's it!

17.  You know how you can click on "See Friendship" and see all of your interactions, and sometimes there's nothing there?  Yeah, that.  I guess the old cheerleading posse has little to say beyond "Go Team!"

18.  G McC is the biggest asshole I've ever met in my life.  I know he was from my current state -- if I ever saw him broken down on the side of the road, I'd hit him before I'd stop to help him.  While you might be a decent person, I can't help but to associate you with him.

19.  I still have a drawing that you did 17 years ago when you were stoned every day, and living in a hippie flop-house.  It's pretty good.  But a whole lot cooler when you're stoned!

20.  And finally... *crickets* again where the "See friendship" should be.  All of our mutual friends will probably eventually be deleted too.


Wahoo!  I'm down to below 300!  Solidly! Only 190 left to cut!  Sigh... this will take a while....

White People Problems

Ok, we get it.  You're a DINK (Dual Income No Kids), a world traveler, a night owl, a beer drinker, and an all around fun-time gal.  You got a new job 2000 miles away, and think that you're about to embark on an amazing new adventure in your amazing new life.

I hardly knew you when you were here.

But I certainly don't need to hear every detail about your move.  Your new mattress, your desk for your new computer, your apartment, your string-green pattern couch and clever table with the yin-yang.  Especially when it's all accompanied by sighs and groans and moans about the inconvenience of it all.  And the angst!  Oh, the angst!

The kicker was tonight when a friend pointed out that maybe your stuff hadn't been moved quickly enough for your liking because of the FIRES that have engulfed our entire state.  Your reply?  "The fires are south, but I give you an 'A' for effort." 

Wow.  And I'll give YOU an 'A' for compassion.  You suck.  Goodbye.

The Third Sister

Your oldest sister is unbearably pretentious.

Your middle sister is unbearably shallow.

I don't really know you at all.  I guess I've always figured that you HAD to be a decent person, because there's no way all three of you could have turned out awful. 

I hope I'm right!  But have no idea, really, as we've never spoken beyond niceties.  Nor will we, being across the country from each other and all.  So, take care and give your sisters my love.

Are you still here?

So, hi.  Yeah. 

...

We had homeroom together.  Our last names both started with "H." 

"H-a" to be even more precise.  So we sat kind of close to each other.

Looks like you're a happy guy.  Looks like you enjoy your job.  Your wife seems pleasant and happy and all that good stuff too.  There's even a baby in one of your pictures (but only one picture), so you may or may not even be a dad.

And, well, that pretty much sums it up.  Chances are slim that I'll ever see you again.  Not even if they seat us alphabetically in heaven. 

Getting back to business, here.

You.  Gone!

You post quite a bit, and occasionally I respond if I have something pertinent to say.  On the rare occasion that I give a crap (which isn't often, and is never related to your updates on what/how much you'll be spending money on).  My responses are met with... ***crickets.***

Oh, except for that one time.  When you were stressing about your kids' birthday parties being so close together, and I lightheartedly suggested that you combine them, as I do, and that themes such as "Robot Beach Party" and "Ninja Princesses" could eventually be really fun.  To which you replied, "I would never combine my children's birthday parties.  I want them to feel special on their special day."

Well, then.

You've always been sanctimonious.  It's never been appreciated.

And I have no plans to go to Myrtle Beach, which for some reason is considered a vacation mecca/paradise in my hometown.  

So... Happy September!  PISSS is back!